So the kids have been in school for a month, and I have been trying really hard to stay on a routine and get everything done. I have to admit that I've been in a spiritual, emotional rut about it though. I just don't have it in me to do everything I want to with the kids. Afterschool hours are now off limits to most plans because of homwework, reading time, dinner, clean-up, and getting everyone ready for bed. I seriously can't see how people who have numerous afterschool activities are able to cope, and I really don't know how working moms do it. Just sorting through all the paperwork that gets sent home can take 30 minutes at times.
Last night I went to a Boy Scouts meeting to check it out for the boys. They really wanted to do it, but I found myself in the predicament of having to say no. My second son is in 1st grade, which means he is a part of the Tigers, which involves parent participation at every meeting. I have my two younger daughters with me, which they said would be fine....but I spent so much time chasing after my 3 year old that there was no way I could've been involved with anything my son was doing. To top it off, the meetings are on the same night, same place, but at different times, so we end up being at the meeting place for two different meetings for about an hour and a half. My daughters can't be expected to sit there doing nothing every week. And then there's the fact that being pregnant, I was so uncomfortable and tired. I almost broke into tears just being there.
This on top of tennis lessons, piano lessons for my oldest, catechism every week, helping in their classrooms, my commitments to the MOMS Club, helping out with marriage prep at the Church, and the fact that my husband is gone due to school and teaching RCIA, so I am doing this all alone. I just lost it last night after everyone went to bed. I am not stupid enough to try and do it all, but I guess I feel guilty that I have that selfishness in me that I don't just lay it all down for the kids like some moms do. You know, the moms who have no life but do everything for the kids. I mean, I know that isn't a good way to live, but I feel guilty that I don't even have the desire in me to do that! I just am not made that way... too selfish with my time and MY needs. Does that make sense?
So Gorgeous Redhead told me that we just have to offer it up as part of having a large family. He said we have to accept that we will have to give up some things, such as having all the kids involved in every activity, but that there are so many blessings and benefits to it all as well. Also, being pregnant and then having a baby right in the middle of the school year just makes things very limited right now, but that maybe next year it will be more manageable.
But for now, I'm exhausted. I sleep at least an hour a day when the kids are at school and my youngest is watching a movie (another source of guilt), but I just don't have the physical energy to stay awake sometimes. Things aren't getting done...and I am feeling very helpless and...scared. It's not like when the baby is born I will have any more energy, with sleepless nights and nursing every two hours. I have to admit for the first time since getting pregnant, I have been scared of how I am going to do it all come December.
Not sure if a lot of this is hormones or lack of iron (found out I am anemic and need to take iron pills), but I am just so tired and exhausted and I'm really trying hard not to be. But that only ends up making it worse; the more I try the more it seems I fail, which makes me feel as bad as I did before, so I go take another nap. The cycle continues.
Sorry for the babbling....I just don't have the energy to make this post sound intelligible. But I thought I should post something since it has been so long, even if it's a request for prayers that I survive motherhood!
-my daughter finally gets this potty training thing down so that my house will stop having patches of smelly urine infiltrating it and driving me mad.
-we don't go completely broke from all the registration fees that all activities seem to require.
-that I manage to be able to keep my head on straight with all the fundraising booklets that are sent home at least once a week. You'd think these people would coordinate fundraisers so that the kids aren't selling 5 different things all in the month of October, but of course not...that would be too SANE!
-that all this exhaustion really will be cleared up with an up in my vitamins and iron.