Welcome to the Dark Side

I was raised in a very non-Catholic, new age, cynical environment, mainly by my father's influence. The fact I am a practicing Catholic is somewhat of a miracle, in my opinion. However, my faith and religion has not shaken some of the things in me that took root as a result of the influences of my childhood. One thing I just can't seem to lose to my inclination to indulge in my dark side.

Now I don't have a dark side where I think of blowing people up or have tendencies towards harming myself, or anything of that nature. I am speaking more of a cynicism, a negativity, and a suspicious attitude. Also, I am speaking of a fascination with what makes people tick, be it good or bad, light or dark, Godly or evil.

For example, I listen to the radio a lot, and I just love a couple of songs that are played regularly that most people who know me would widen their eyes at. Ever hear of Linkin Park? Well, they have this song called Numb, which basically describes a guardian-type relationship (it can be applied to mother, father, etc) in which the guardian puts undo pressure on the "child" to be something he is not. Is it immoral? No, of course not. Is it reality? Yes, certainly. But does it really glorify anything beautiful or Godly? Hmm...not sure. Some of the lyrics go:

I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

But here's the thing. I LOVE this song. It has a very hard rock feel during the chorus, but also an emotional pull due to the smooth sound of the singer's voice during the verses. Plus, it is such a heart-stirring song.

Maybe it is because I am such an emotional person. I live life strongly motivated by "how I feel". It certainly is a weakness, for how can any consistency or discipline come of out an emotionally motivated life?

My questions about my sometimes-interest in sometimes-dark music came when I heard that our beloved Papa B-16 strongly dislikes rock-and-roll music because it ignites the basic passions within people. I am sorry to say, but my first reaction to that (wrong as it may be) was, "so?" I mean, that's why I love music so much, because of how it makes me feel. But then I thought about those words... "basic passions". The word "basic" coming from the word "base", which means low, or primal. I realized that so many times I have told people that while we may have natural inclinations as humans, we are called to be supernatural beings and to rise above ourselves to become the people our Creator wanted us to be. Where would indulging in "basic passions" fit into that goal?

On another note, I was looking around the Bishops' movie reviews web page and finding what their reviews were for movies I enjoyed. I was so saddened to see that The Breakfast Club recieved an "O", which stands for morally offensive. Once again, my dark side overtakes my deference to their opinion. I felt that movie so accurately assessed the struggles of parent/teen relationships, the pressures of high school, the issue of cliques and the need to fit in somewhere in this world. I absolutely love the movie, even though I wouldn't say it really glorifies anything beautiful or holy.

But sometimes I can only take so much darkness before it affects me in my daily life. A couple of years ago I began reading The House of Sand and Fog (a story centered around conflict over property and the people willing to do anything for it), but had to put it down halfway through because the book depressed me so much that I was in a bad mood towards my husband and kids as a result. Yet I also read The Secret History (a story centered around a murder) a little bit after that and was fascinated at the dark inclinations of the students in the book and would actually be in a good mood after reading such intelligent content and asking myself such fascinating questions. Another example: I don't care for Stephen King novels and find that their darkness is just too much for me, but I still have a fascination with the book/movie Carrie, probably because I have a curiosity about the dark subject of revenge that I haven't been able to squelch through my spiritual formation.

I am confused over this side of myself. Now, I have a sunny-side-up aspect of myself as well: my favorite books include Little Women, Jane Eyre,and the Anne of Green Gables series. My favoite music band of all time is ABBA (talk about cheesy!). But I admit that this side of me has its limits. For example, I listen to Christian Music radio (mainly KLOVE)just as much as secular stations. But sometimes I feel I just have to turn the station because the songs are just too too saccharine for me. Yet the weird thing is that I feel so guilty about this aversion I have to some Christian music, and so I will listen to certain songs I really can't stand or that I am not in the mood to listen to motivated solely by this guilt.

So I guess my thoughts on this lead me to wonder, how dark is too dark? Is it wrong not to see the beauty in all things joyful, is it a weakness to find some things "cheesy"? Is it wrong that I prefer shows like Veronica Mars or CSI to 7th Heaven or Full House? Is it wrong that I have fond memories of watching Twin Peaks (which, yes, I know, was an incredibly dark indulgence)? Is it wrong that on my favorite movies list, right next to It's a Wonderful Life sits The Usual Suspects (although, once again, my darkness has limits. I absolutely hate movies like Being John Malkovich and American Beauty)? Is it bad that a few minutes after rocking out to The Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations", I can then bang my head to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica?

And then this Scripture comes to mind (probably God's way of answering my questions listed in this entry):

"Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Phil 4:8

I know we are called to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect. So is having a dark side sinful? Imperfect? Human? Natural? Base? Or maybe I am asking the wrong questions. Maybe I should be asking, is it Heavenly? Do saints in Heaven have a dark side? Will I, if I ever get there? Probably not.

Sigh. Just more baby steps God is asking me to take...