A Good Argument
Over this past week, I have noticed one of the things about my marriage to G.R. that makes it work: we argue very well.
By no means am I trying to be prideful or have any arrogance about my marriage, but I do think this is an area in which G.R. and I must have received some kind of grace from God in. I personally think that how we argue has had a huge affect on the state of our marriage.
In recent weeks I have had the... I guess I could say opportunity, to witness other people's arguments or engage in my own. These recent experiences profoundly affected me. I have witnessed people arguing who were incredibly disresectful of each other, who were cutthroat in their comments, who were not interested in hearing a word the other said but were mainly interested in defending their own position, were manipulative in their words, and more. I came away from this past couple of weeks 100% thankful that G.R. and I never speak to each other in those ways, even when angrier than hellfire.
Not to say that we are perfect by any means. There was one argument early on in our marriage when G.R. made a horribly hurtful comment to me that I remember to this day. However, G.R. very rarely does that. And I can honestly say that I do not recall making any cutting comment to G.R. stronger than a tearful "you're being a big jerk!" And I don't even recall saying that very often.
A lot of it comes from my childhood. I remember my parents fighting often. They ended up divorcing later on, but I still vividly remember their tense times together. When they fought, I would often seclude myself in a seaprate room, but I could still hear their words, their comments, their tones of voice. I remember two or three specific fights they had where the name calling was at an outrageous level, and I remember the actual comments made, but the words used aren't really suitable for me to write.
These instances made a permanent mark on who I was. I am happy to say that I think it was for the better, because on those days I remember the specific thought coming into my head, "How can two people who love each other say these things to each other?" From that time as a young girl up through my whole life, I have made a conscious effort in my relationships and in my marriage to never lose it that way in an argument and to never personally attack anyone in the heat of the moment.
I can honestly say that my marriage has fared well as a result of that conscious choice. G.R., I believe, has been influenced greatly by that example as well. He has only really lost it at me personally a couple of times, and when all had simmered and we had made up, he has even commented on how he really appreciates how I never hurt him personally when we argue and how he would try to be the same way; and he has.
Frankly, there are times when it isn't that easy. There are times I have to emotionally chain myself down in order not to spew out every single profanity I know and every insulting thought I've ever had. I guess this is just the one area of my life where I really can see the big picture, and so I am able to stifle myself for the moment.
My cousin and his ex-wife used to fight a lot, which made me sad because I really wanted to see them make it. I was talking to my Gramma about my cousin's situation, and she commented that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, two people say things to each other that can never be taken back. I totally agree that comments like these can ruin a marriage, or at least damage it long-term. Even in my situation, I mentioned the one comment in the one fight almost 6 years ago that I can never forget G.R. making, and it wasn't even a profane, obscene, or extremely hateful comment. If I can remember that, just imagine the marriages where people make over-the-top comments regularly. I can't imagine being truly happy, or truly in love, in a situation like that.
I think a lot of it has to do with a person's desire to be right, coupled with insecurity. Some people are emotionally unable to listen to anyone tell them they have done something wrong or hurtful, and the thought of making a sincere apology to someone is more difficult than being caught outside in their underwear. I also think that the desire to win an argument takes precedence, in some people, over anything and that is where the relationship-altering insults get thrown out.
This boggles my mind. For me, my biggest fear in life is losing my husband, whether it be to death, violence, or through rejection. It would seem to me that common sense would dictate that I would do everything reasonably possible not to lose him, which is why I taKe so much caution with my words in my angry moments. But it almost seems with others that they are attempting to realize their biggest fear of losing their loved one by arguing in such a way as to push them away forever. I don't understand it.
And it isn't done necessarily by losing it and shouting out the obscenities. I've also seen people do it through manipulation, sarcasm, belitting facial expressions, a condescending tone of voice, and possibly the worst of all, stonewalling silence.
Like I said, these past few weeks have deeply affected me. There are now a couple of people I have decided I must distance myself from slightly because I just don't have a desire to "go there" with them, and the closer you are to someone, the more likely you will have an opportunity to engage in at least a couple of confrontations with them. I've realized something about myself, be it a weakness or strength I'm not sure; I only want to be close to people who I can feel safe with in any situation, even ones of conflict. I tend to avoid conflict as it is, but I can honestly say that if one ever arose between myself and G.R. or any of the people I trust, that we would be OK at the end of it, possibly even stronger. I can't say the same about some of my recent encounters.
By no means am I trying to be prideful or have any arrogance about my marriage, but I do think this is an area in which G.R. and I must have received some kind of grace from God in. I personally think that how we argue has had a huge affect on the state of our marriage.
In recent weeks I have had the... I guess I could say opportunity, to witness other people's arguments or engage in my own. These recent experiences profoundly affected me. I have witnessed people arguing who were incredibly disresectful of each other, who were cutthroat in their comments, who were not interested in hearing a word the other said but were mainly interested in defending their own position, were manipulative in their words, and more. I came away from this past couple of weeks 100% thankful that G.R. and I never speak to each other in those ways, even when angrier than hellfire.
Not to say that we are perfect by any means. There was one argument early on in our marriage when G.R. made a horribly hurtful comment to me that I remember to this day. However, G.R. very rarely does that. And I can honestly say that I do not recall making any cutting comment to G.R. stronger than a tearful "you're being a big jerk!" And I don't even recall saying that very often.
A lot of it comes from my childhood. I remember my parents fighting often. They ended up divorcing later on, but I still vividly remember their tense times together. When they fought, I would often seclude myself in a seaprate room, but I could still hear their words, their comments, their tones of voice. I remember two or three specific fights they had where the name calling was at an outrageous level, and I remember the actual comments made, but the words used aren't really suitable for me to write.
These instances made a permanent mark on who I was. I am happy to say that I think it was for the better, because on those days I remember the specific thought coming into my head, "How can two people who love each other say these things to each other?" From that time as a young girl up through my whole life, I have made a conscious effort in my relationships and in my marriage to never lose it that way in an argument and to never personally attack anyone in the heat of the moment.
I can honestly say that my marriage has fared well as a result of that conscious choice. G.R., I believe, has been influenced greatly by that example as well. He has only really lost it at me personally a couple of times, and when all had simmered and we had made up, he has even commented on how he really appreciates how I never hurt him personally when we argue and how he would try to be the same way; and he has.
Frankly, there are times when it isn't that easy. There are times I have to emotionally chain myself down in order not to spew out every single profanity I know and every insulting thought I've ever had. I guess this is just the one area of my life where I really can see the big picture, and so I am able to stifle myself for the moment.
My cousin and his ex-wife used to fight a lot, which made me sad because I really wanted to see them make it. I was talking to my Gramma about my cousin's situation, and she commented that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, two people say things to each other that can never be taken back. I totally agree that comments like these can ruin a marriage, or at least damage it long-term. Even in my situation, I mentioned the one comment in the one fight almost 6 years ago that I can never forget G.R. making, and it wasn't even a profane, obscene, or extremely hateful comment. If I can remember that, just imagine the marriages where people make over-the-top comments regularly. I can't imagine being truly happy, or truly in love, in a situation like that.
I think a lot of it has to do with a person's desire to be right, coupled with insecurity. Some people are emotionally unable to listen to anyone tell them they have done something wrong or hurtful, and the thought of making a sincere apology to someone is more difficult than being caught outside in their underwear. I also think that the desire to win an argument takes precedence, in some people, over anything and that is where the relationship-altering insults get thrown out.
This boggles my mind. For me, my biggest fear in life is losing my husband, whether it be to death, violence, or through rejection. It would seem to me that common sense would dictate that I would do everything reasonably possible not to lose him, which is why I taKe so much caution with my words in my angry moments. But it almost seems with others that they are attempting to realize their biggest fear of losing their loved one by arguing in such a way as to push them away forever. I don't understand it.
And it isn't done necessarily by losing it and shouting out the obscenities. I've also seen people do it through manipulation, sarcasm, belitting facial expressions, a condescending tone of voice, and possibly the worst of all, stonewalling silence.
Like I said, these past few weeks have deeply affected me. There are now a couple of people I have decided I must distance myself from slightly because I just don't have a desire to "go there" with them, and the closer you are to someone, the more likely you will have an opportunity to engage in at least a couple of confrontations with them. I've realized something about myself, be it a weakness or strength I'm not sure; I only want to be close to people who I can feel safe with in any situation, even ones of conflict. I tend to avoid conflict as it is, but I can honestly say that if one ever arose between myself and G.R. or any of the people I trust, that we would be OK at the end of it, possibly even stronger. I can't say the same about some of my recent encounters.
posted by Philothea Rose at
10:51 AM
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