Changes in Parish Life
Some of you may know that my husband has been the youth minister at our parish for the past 4 years. As of last weekend, his time there in that role has officially ended. This weekend they are throwing him a farewell party, and that will be it.
So now what? This is the parish I grew up in, and we were married in, our children were baptized in, etc. So we do know how to be parishoners there without my husband working there. But this is going to be a huge change for us.
I don't know if any of you out there have worked in ministry for the Church before, but there is a certain role that goes with a family of someone who does work there. For 4 years I have been "the youth minister's wife" in the eyes of so many people, especially the teenagers there. Our kids have been "the youth minister's kids", which, by the way, is no fun when everyone is watching your kids completely act out of control in the middle of Mass and are watching you, the "youth minster's wife", look like she's about to have a complete melt-down. Talk about "pressure"...
But as the "youth minister's wife", my focus was directed in a specific way. For example, every Sunday before the Youth Mass and Life Night (what the youth group meetings are called), I would pray a Rosary (and make my kids do it too) for my husband and the youth ministry program. Sure I can still do that, I guess. But admit it, it isn't the same. And last summer when my husband led an abstinence program for the teens, the girls actually asked if I could be the one to lead the girls. I felt so honored, so loved, so...like a "youth minister's wife". That won't be happening anymore.
We have friends and family who call us on holidays and holy days of obligation to find out what the Mass times and Confession times are. We have people who call us to ask when catechism registration or Bible study is. Most of the time we know. When we don't, we are met with a surprised reaction, even from ourselves. "You mean, we didn't know that? How'd we miss that?"
Everyone we have interacted with and have gotten close to within the Church for the past four years has been through youth ministry. Be it meetings, Church gatherings, Mass, etc., this is the capacity we have been able to get close to many people. So now what? We won't see these people on a weekly basis anymore. We had volunteer meetings at our house, and sometimes the other volunteers hosted the meetings themselves. While business was conducted, so was casual conversation and getting to know one another. No more of this. There will now be a new youth minister and his girlfriend who will be with these people every week. So, where do our friendships lie? Where do we stand in the eyes of these people?
Just to clarify, we won't be attending the youth Mass for a while because the new youth minister will be coming in, and we understand that the pressure of starting a new job with the former youth minister standing over your shoulder might put some pressure on him, so we will go to another Mass until the new youth minister has established himself for a bit. So, we really won't be seeing some of our friends at all for a while.
And to be honest, while I HATED having to know all about the Church politics, conflicts, inside scoops, and such, at the same time, I felt like I knew what was going on in the parish. You know how they say "ignorance is bliss"? This goes for parish life as well. But while this was stressful, at times, it was also very comforting in a way. I'm not sure how to explain it, but not being "in-the-know" may make me feel a bit isolated, disconnected. When I hear when catechism registration is and how much it will be, I won't know exactly how much scheduling conflicts there were nor the debate over the cost that went on. When I hear about the upcoming retreat for the high school teens, I won't know who is on staff and what the theme is. Do you see what I mean?
Maybe this all sounds prideful to everyone, because it really does sound like a case of me whining over now being "just like everyone else". Please, let me know if it is. I can take it (but do be gentle!).
I have gotten some good advice from people. Some have said that this just means I will have to make an effort to keep the close ties with my friends- I will have to actually pick up the phone and call them in order to keep in touch. We will have to have people over- and it might be nice to have just a dinner party with no meeting or business to conduct.
Another thought from someone was that maybe my husband and I can transition into hanging out with other families in the church versus all the young adults or the newly engaged/married couples (with no kids). And while this is a point, we do have a solid group of friends who are Catholic with families, so it's not like we never hang out with people "our own age". But maybe it is time to get involved more with the Knights of Columbus crowd, or the Teams of Our Lady crowd, or the YLI crowd (I had someone slip me an application recently).
Any of you who have been "youth ministers' wives" (or husbands for that matter) are probably thinking, "What the heck is wrong with you?! Rejoice, be glad, you have your husband back!" (Maybe I will write a post on the top ten reasons why I am glad NOT to be a "youth minister's wife" anymore, but for now I am leaving this post for lamenting.) God only knows why I am experiencing withdrawals from this life, but I am.
Maybe it's just what comes with change. Maybe the transition won't be as hard as I am anticipating. And heck, my husband couldn't pull himself completely away from ministry- he's still working there very part-time doing RCIA.
So now what? This is the parish I grew up in, and we were married in, our children were baptized in, etc. So we do know how to be parishoners there without my husband working there. But this is going to be a huge change for us.
I don't know if any of you out there have worked in ministry for the Church before, but there is a certain role that goes with a family of someone who does work there. For 4 years I have been "the youth minister's wife" in the eyes of so many people, especially the teenagers there. Our kids have been "the youth minister's kids", which, by the way, is no fun when everyone is watching your kids completely act out of control in the middle of Mass and are watching you, the "youth minster's wife", look like she's about to have a complete melt-down. Talk about "pressure"...
But as the "youth minister's wife", my focus was directed in a specific way. For example, every Sunday before the Youth Mass and Life Night (what the youth group meetings are called), I would pray a Rosary (and make my kids do it too) for my husband and the youth ministry program. Sure I can still do that, I guess. But admit it, it isn't the same. And last summer when my husband led an abstinence program for the teens, the girls actually asked if I could be the one to lead the girls. I felt so honored, so loved, so...like a "youth minister's wife". That won't be happening anymore.
We have friends and family who call us on holidays and holy days of obligation to find out what the Mass times and Confession times are. We have people who call us to ask when catechism registration or Bible study is. Most of the time we know. When we don't, we are met with a surprised reaction, even from ourselves. "You mean, we didn't know that? How'd we miss that?"
Everyone we have interacted with and have gotten close to within the Church for the past four years has been through youth ministry. Be it meetings, Church gatherings, Mass, etc., this is the capacity we have been able to get close to many people. So now what? We won't see these people on a weekly basis anymore. We had volunteer meetings at our house, and sometimes the other volunteers hosted the meetings themselves. While business was conducted, so was casual conversation and getting to know one another. No more of this. There will now be a new youth minister and his girlfriend who will be with these people every week. So, where do our friendships lie? Where do we stand in the eyes of these people?
Just to clarify, we won't be attending the youth Mass for a while because the new youth minister will be coming in, and we understand that the pressure of starting a new job with the former youth minister standing over your shoulder might put some pressure on him, so we will go to another Mass until the new youth minister has established himself for a bit. So, we really won't be seeing some of our friends at all for a while.
And to be honest, while I HATED having to know all about the Church politics, conflicts, inside scoops, and such, at the same time, I felt like I knew what was going on in the parish. You know how they say "ignorance is bliss"? This goes for parish life as well. But while this was stressful, at times, it was also very comforting in a way. I'm not sure how to explain it, but not being "in-the-know" may make me feel a bit isolated, disconnected. When I hear when catechism registration is and how much it will be, I won't know exactly how much scheduling conflicts there were nor the debate over the cost that went on. When I hear about the upcoming retreat for the high school teens, I won't know who is on staff and what the theme is. Do you see what I mean?
Maybe this all sounds prideful to everyone, because it really does sound like a case of me whining over now being "just like everyone else". Please, let me know if it is. I can take it (but do be gentle!).
I have gotten some good advice from people. Some have said that this just means I will have to make an effort to keep the close ties with my friends- I will have to actually pick up the phone and call them in order to keep in touch. We will have to have people over- and it might be nice to have just a dinner party with no meeting or business to conduct.
Another thought from someone was that maybe my husband and I can transition into hanging out with other families in the church versus all the young adults or the newly engaged/married couples (with no kids). And while this is a point, we do have a solid group of friends who are Catholic with families, so it's not like we never hang out with people "our own age". But maybe it is time to get involved more with the Knights of Columbus crowd, or the Teams of Our Lady crowd, or the YLI crowd (I had someone slip me an application recently).
Any of you who have been "youth ministers' wives" (or husbands for that matter) are probably thinking, "What the heck is wrong with you?! Rejoice, be glad, you have your husband back!" (Maybe I will write a post on the top ten reasons why I am glad NOT to be a "youth minister's wife" anymore, but for now I am leaving this post for lamenting.) God only knows why I am experiencing withdrawals from this life, but I am.
Maybe it's just what comes with change. Maybe the transition won't be as hard as I am anticipating. And heck, my husband couldn't pull himself completely away from ministry- he's still working there very part-time doing RCIA.
posted by Philothea Rose at
11:04 AM
5 Comments:
I totally understand and it doesn't sound like you are whining at all. More as if you are having to let go of the familiar and comfortable and move into the unknown ... that's unsettling for anyone. Just think what you could be used for now though. There is no telling where God will "send" you next within your parish through new friendships and experiences. Kind of exciting from that point of view ...
We have moved in and out of vaious parish ministries as our family has changed. Transition is always difficult, but it is necessary. I suggest that you consider taking a family retreat to ask God where He wants you to be next. And then listen to the Holy Spirit.
You have been married 7 years? Have you been on a Marriage Encounter weekend? Maybe it is time! Have you experienced Cursillo? Our Cursillo community has been a wonderful addition to us in this stage of our life and marriage, just as our Marriage Encounter community was earlier. The Knights of Columbus are a wonderful group of men - my dh is sad that he doesn't have the time to do more with them lately. Do you have a Eucharistic Adoration group? There is lots to do. The harvest is heavy and the laborors few.
But first, take time to pray and listen!
BTW - I do know what you are talking about. I spent years working with the Children's choir in different parishes from Southern California to Oregon. When we moved to New Hampshire, it was very disconcerting not to have that involvement any more - it was made very clear to me that the parish did not need me in that capacity but did need me in other ways. But I still miss working with the kids.
I know my husband is constantly involved in what ever organization we have any dealings with. I have gotten used to it, but our kids very much appreciate when we do things strictly as a family. They like his undivided attention, epecially my boys, especially at church. Maybe this is a good time for your children. You know that with people who like to help, this lull won't last long. God Bless!
P Rose (kinda sounds like the name for a rap artist?):
This might now be the Holy Spirit calling you and or your husband in a different direction, to serve others in your parish in another way. Maybe it is in a small way like lectoring, that only takes a bit of time a week, or maybe it is a call to work in a soup kitchen or something that might require several hours.
Just trying to look on the optimistic side, and everything happens for a reason in god's plan.
I agree with the others. I think you and your family are being called to another direction. I know it's hard to be in the in between stage, boy do I know that one, but this is when you need to quiet yourself so that you can hear the voice of our Lord.
I remember many instances when I was constantly asking myself where do we go from here and I kept running through all the what ifs in my head. Nothing was working out. When I settled myself down and remembered to pray for guidance, I was finally able to see where the Lord wanted us.
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