Struggles

Two struggles are coming directly into my path this month.

The first I encountered last night. I am such a bitter, unforgiving person. My husband left his job as the youth minister of our parish in January. The last 18 months of his job was a living hell for him, which was the direct result of one person. This staff-member had her own ideas about how his job should be done and who should have it instead of him. She went on a full-frontal assault. She changed my husband for a short while, into a depressed, self-conscious, hopeless, burned-out wreck. And I sat by and watched it all, unable to do anything. I encouraged him and tried to speak truth to him, but I think he just saw it as "well, of course my wife thinks I am great, worthy, and capable." He finally believed what I was saying and began to brush off the vindictiveness of this person only after seeing some of the fruits of his labor be quite successful in spite of the exterior doubts coming his way. I was just glad to have my husband back.

My husband was planning on leaving the position anyway, because it wasn't a job that can possibly support a growing family financially. He left with the respect of the pastor and parish administrator. But this woman didn't help matters. What could have been a nice, nostalgic time for us was a stressful, angry, frustrating time. I resent her for that.

We still encounter her often (my husband still teaches RCIA and sacramental prep. at the church and of course we are still active in the parish). And we encounter the new youth minister often (who is her boyfriend, which gives you a small glimpse into the big picture). The new YM is so gracious and respectful to my husband. I am grateful for that. But I can't help remembering everything we went through everytime I see him and his girlfriend.

The funny thing is that if she had just let my husband alone, the end result would've probably still occurred. Her BF probably would have been hired after my husband because he really was the person best qualified to take over the position. My husband still would've left when he did, no sooner or later. But the emotional experience could've turned out much differently if she hadn't taken it upon herself to twist and turn the circumstances into what she perceived was the will of God.

So why all this now? My husband has forgiven her (because if you all knew him you'd see he's one of the greatest men alive). She even called my husband to apologize to him for all she did, only I found out later that her apology was motivated by an outside circumstance, not by a genuine contrition for her attacks. I found out this information, yet haven't told my husband because I don't want to ruin the apology for him. But it has hindered me from moving on the way he has. Yet I must add that even if she hadn't apologized, my husband would've forgiven her anyway because he is that way.

The parish has transitioned into a new phase with most people quite happy about it....except me. There are a whole boat load of parish activities going on this month, hence our encounters with her will likely increase in the near future. And while all the youth and volunteers and staff members go joyfully on with their lives, I can't. I can't enter into Masses she is present at. I haven't stepped foot into the youth room since my husband left. I don't want to buy the new youth ministry t-shirts. I barely can make eye contact, even with the new YM because everytime I see him I think of her and her part in getting him there.

I've sought out spiritual direction over this. I know I need to let it go, because it brings absolutely no benefit to me. It tears me down, and its not like she even cares. And I am not her judge, nor should I be the crusader of revenge against her. I must leave judgement to God. And maybe she crossed my path (in more ways than one) because God knew that by her hurting my husband, we would possibly be inspired to pray for her. Maybe if she had hurt someone else, she would have been merely forsaken.

I admit, I rarely pray for her. I also admit that I don't want her or her BF to succeed because I want her to have to struggle the way my husband did and truly experience contrition for all she put him through.

I know this is wrong. I know I am a horrible, vengeful, sinful person. I know, I know! But I just. can't. let it go.

My husband didn't speak about this situation with many people other than a priest and his brother because he did not want to cause division or discord within the youth ministry program or parish as a whole. None of the volunteers knew what he was going through. He spoke about this woman with NO ONE on staff (except his pastor and boss), even though we all knew she was gossipping and maligning his reputation to anyone who could breathe. And, as I have stated before, he has forgiven her for everything, no looking back.

I wish there was a word, a phrase someone could say to turn the switch, to give me that "Aha!" moment I need to get over this hump. I'm tired of feeling this way. I am tired of the anger and bitterness. I am tired of feeling like an outsider in the parish I grew up in. I am tired of wanting to spread the gossip of what happened so people will stop being friends with her and support us (which I have NOT done out of repsect for the wishes of my husband, not because I'm such a great or holy person. See, I meant it when I said my husband is amazing).

This truly is one of the instances where I really am too weak. I am not enough. I can't even say something like, "I can't do this alone." Frankly, I can't do it at all. I feel like God really has to do it for me. But for some reason, He hasn't.

"Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." I know I am not worthy enough to accept God's forgiveness because I can't dish out my own. I really don't want this on my shoulders on my judgement day. How long will it take to go away?

I know I said there were two struggles I was going to be facing this month, but I'm worn out just thinking about this. Maybe I'll dole out my thoughts on the second another time.