Today I finally sat down to take some prayer-time and reflect on some Scripture. I knew where God wanted me to start, and so I flipped straight to a passage that tugs at my heart everytime, and can be difficult for me to digest. I went through and bolded each verse that causes a sting in my heart and causes my eyes to shift, because I know these are areas I severely lack in. I was hoping my prayer-time today would bring peace, comfort, and consolation. But God had other things in mind: conviction, reprimand, renovation.Proverbs 31: 10-31
: 10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Does my husband have full confidence in me? I think he would like to, but too many times I ask him to excuse my weaknesses, my laziness, my imperfections and just accept me for who I am, faults and all. He does this lovingly, but I think I ask him to do it beyond what is expected of someone supposedly striving for holiness.Works with eager hands...provides food for her family... sets about her work vigorously with arms strong for the tasks... watches over the affairs of her household... does not eat the bread of idleness;
oh how these words sting, because one of my greatest vices is idleness. I fall back on the excuse that I just don't like housework... I hate to cook... or whatever might sound endearingly quirky or cute as to why I just don't do what I am supposed to at home for the sake of my idle pleasures.
And for one thing, I certainly rebel against getting up while it is still dark and being productive and diligent until the day is done. Once again, I fall on my excuses. "I don't like to get up when the sun isn't out"... or "I shut down after 8:00. If the work isn't finished... oh well!" I claim to really need my winding down time, which would be true if I was truly busy all day. But so often, my winding down time is just an extension of the general nonsense I may have been engaging in all day.
When my children wake up in the morning, I am not convinced they would call me "blessed", or "happy". Ususally it is the morning rush, because as I said before I can procastinate about getting up, and so the frantic stress in me leaks out into the morning routines of my children. In fact, there are a few mornings my children may arise and in fact call me a raging lunatic.
I can only wish I had "no fear for my household", or that I "laughed at things to come". I only wish I was so focused, so prepared. I wish I was content in the present moment and not distracted by the future, or what might happen, or what could've been. I wish I was not restless about the way my house is run, the way my children are mothered, the way my husband is loved, the way my life is lived. I wish that I could have some confidence...no that's not the word, because we should never be too confident of where we are in case the Lord decides to give us a healthy reality check. Instead, I wish I could be at peace with my efforts.
To be clothed in fine linen and purple
...no I don't take this to mean I am to be the best dressed in the crowd. But I do wish I made more of a priority of taking care of myself (my health, my appearance, my clothes, my property, etc.). A lot of what I lack in this area is because I do not use my time wisely. If I made the appropriate amount of time to get myself ready and well-put-together each day, maybe that would help me be more focused, be more at peace, be more inclined to be productive.She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life... a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
I know I do not consciously set out to harm my husband, but do I consciously set out to do him good? I think I just go about my day with the attitude of getting through it, not making an effort to bring good
to my husband or making the effort to be a good wife. No focus, no conscious thought, no purpose. Just floating. Yes, I am succeeding in just getting through it. But is that what I want to say to God... I just got through my days?
Some of us on earth are called to do great things: be missionaries, feed the poor, be inspiring teachers or speakers, be great apologists whos defend the faith. However, I am realizing more and more throughout the years that my call is not any of those things. My call for my life is to merely (but then again, not so merely) embrace my vocation completely, wholeheartedly. I can't just say I lived the vocation of married life, but that I strove to be
a good wife
, the best wife I could be. The wife God made me to be.
Yet in this realization over the years and in my prayer-time this morning, I saw that it wasn't enough to have this resolve, but I needed a plan to realize it in my daily life. Knowing that coming up with routines or plans is not my strong point, I am once again flocking over to Flylady
, whose plans have worked well for me... when implemented
. Hopefully this will not be yet another attempt at getting it together that ends with me falling off the fly-wagon. I know her system works and fits my style and personality (for the most part). It is just a matter of sticking with it and growing in the virtue of discipline without being perfectionistic.
I am hoping that going through Flylady's baby steps will be the starting point on the path of truly implementing Proverbs 31 into my life. It may start with housework or routines, but hopefully will spill over into my general attitude and spirituality regarding my vocation. Hopefully reading Proverbs 31 this time next year will be a source of consolation and not of reproval. Hopefully by this time next year, I can succeed in not having to bold so much of the text of this Scripture.